THE TONYAPHILE FORTNIGHTLY COGITARIUM

By JOE HARAN

ELVIS ON MARS; ALIEN LIFE ALSO!
By the Associated Press (sort of) WASHINGTON--
Human life exists on the planet Mars in the persons of Tonya M. Harding and Elvis A. Presley, White House spokesperson Albert X. Quigley revealed yesterday at what was to have been a routine news conference.

Quigley further stated there is "an indigenous life form, a species" unlike any previously known, which lives in subterranean cities at that planet's polar regions. According to Quigley, the government has known about this "significant" discovery for months. "The past two Mars Lander missions were successful," Quigley added, "but we wanted to study this matter in detail before giving anything to the public."Harding especially is respected by Martian life-forms due to (See page 3)....

TONYA, ELVIS GO-BETWEENS FOR MARS MEN!
By P. Harold Quinn
Real Special Correspondent of the New York Times
CHASMA BOREALE, MARS--
Tonya M. Harding and Elvis A. Presley are on Mars preparing the intelligent life-forms there for contact with humans, the Earth-born space-travelers stated yesterday in an exclusive on-site interview with the New York Times.

Presley, thought dead since 1977, said he first accepted the invitation to live on Mars "Because there are no journalists here." Harding echoed Presley's sentiments, adding: "They're both nice places to live, so I've been going back and forth thanks to Mr. Presley and our friends here." Taken to Mars in a vehicle piloted automatically, this correspondent was not allowed entry to underground cities occupied by Martian life-forms.

Hey, just a little diversion. Just joking. As if Joe wouldn't be welcome with open arms by Martians! Ha!